Chapter Thirteen:
Respite and the Spiritual
I have explained my OCD experiences and how they manifested. But although I’m nowhere near to being done telling my story, I want to switch gears a little. I want to jump ahead to the year 2021, when I began to practice meditation and I began to experience long awaited and desperately needed glimpses of peace and quiet in my mind.
After 1998, the eternal recurrence continued. I lived in near-constant anxiety and constant thought. I obsessed, I did compulsions, I tried to eradicate, or at least to lessen OCD in my life and I was completely unsuccessful. Eventually, I went to the “experts.” I have given this concept a great deal of thought– this concept of experts– or “Doctors,” as we call them, and I have come to the conclusion that in the modern world, Doctors have been given the status similar to that of “expert,” and “Experts” are seen as the highest level of social stature ….
I grew up like that, with a great respect for the education system. I read the “experts’” books and articles too…. I did ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy, a lot,.... Life wasn’t all bad, though…, In 2001 I moved to Japan, I fell in love and got married, and my wife and I began to raise a family. I taught English as a Second Language for ten years. It was tough, because I suffered a lot, and I felt that I must be doing something wrong, because of my nearly constant anxiety and panic. By 2008, after about 7 years of life in Japan, because I was still in a near-constant state of panic, I began to discuss the idea, with my wife, of moving back to Canada. We decided to move to Canada, and planned in 2010, to move in 2012. My plan was to try to solve my OCD dilemma by doing ERP therapy. I would implement the ERP therapy, in turn, by becoming a tradesman. My reasoning was based on the idea that ERP therapy (Exposure and response prevention therapy) was actually (as was being purported) a type of cognitive behavioral Therapy that really did stop OCD symptoms and change OCD circumstances through the concepts of neuroplasticity and habituation. That was the first basis- for my plan. If ERP worked, I reasoned, then, if I studied the trades, because they were not my natural specialty, but rather my weakest skill set, and if I exposed myself to various anxiety provoking situations, but did not perform the responses that I would inevitably have urges to perform, if ERP was true (and it really did work), I could potentially rid myself of, or, at least lessen my OCD symptoms. And so, I laboured in construction, I studied mechanics, I welded steel, and I basically threw myself into the construction industry in Canada, beginning in 2012. I went to trade schools in British Columbia, and in Saskatchewan, and in Alberta…. All told, I spent nearly 10 years doing it,....
Besides becoming a “Tradesman,” which was really the implementation and application of ERP into my life, I had already, over the years, tried many other techniques to lessen OCD in my daily life. I had taken up jogging, at different times, and I had ran a full marathon, I had smoked Cannabis, drank alcohol, but yet, despite all of my efforts– most of the time- during my free time, from 1996 until 2020, when I had any kind of free time, throughout every single day, I almost always had an obsession in my mind, an obsession paired with an awfully unpleasant myriad of anxious sensations in my body. That anxiety often turned into mild, medium, or extreme panic. It was only in 2020, that I began to try meditating, for the second time in my life, (I had tried it briefly in Japan but had given up after a couple of attempts) and then somehow, after quitting and then trying again, a few times, in 2022- I began to see and experience beautiful “glimpses of silence” and I realized they were glimpses of relief! Maybe not a complete cure, but relief and respite from OCD and from the entire realm of thought –
At last!
Relief…!
(It was like water in the desert- a beautiful oasis!)
I had experienced a kind of periodic numbing of my OCD before, with marijuanna and alcohol, and also with different events that happened, but it was always (very) short-lived and directly attributable to an outside, external source. With meditation, I began to experience a state, in 2021 and 2022, not every time, but more often than not, where I had very few thoughts and I experienced the “slowing down of thought” and I felt a number of very pleasant feelings– and a kind of bliss that would continue on, for up to and well-over an hour…! And, the big and wonderful thing inherent to it was that it came from within. I would sit and meditate for hours and I would just sit and enjoy that new-found state! That state was like a new kind of powerful deliverance and a most welcome salvation unlike anything I could have ever imagined! I could finally do something to just RELAX!! It was and continues to be nothing short of miraculous! It took me a while to get it,...It wasn’t really easy, but it wasn’t too hard either. If you can take the pain and torture of OCD, you can definitely meditate!
What is Meditation? Why did I feel better? What was happening during my glimpses of silence?
First you need to understand a few of the key principles behind it all. Meditation really means “cessation” or stopping doing. In order to get that cessation or slowing down you need to focus your attention. If you can try to focus your attention then you can meditate! I like to think of meditation as primarily focusing on noticing. When I meditate I focus my attention on certain things- maybe the sensations in my torso, while I sit in a comfortable position, as well as, but not limited to, the thoughts that cross my mind, the noises I can hear, and the feelings of the breath and all of the sensations I can notice. Forget techniques right now,.... You need to comprehend a seminal point, right here, right now… which is : what I am beginning to talk about here is sometimes referred to as “Spirituality.” Please don’t scoff and throw up your hands in contempt and storm away from this topic! It’s a real thing. Spirituality is a real thing. Spirit itself is a real thing. What is spirit? Spirit is energy, and it is power. The energy that one feels when they are “in love,” that, is spirit. Different languages and cultures refer to this as different terms– Christians call it Spirit. Hindus call it Shakti. It is extremely important for one to open his mind to the possibility that there is such a thing as “Spirit.” You could have no belief in the spiritual, and you would likely feel down and sad, and fearful. You would be poor in spirit. If you are rich in spirit, your body will likely feel amazing….
Further to this discussion of meditation let’s back up a little and understand what happened and why I began to feel better when I meditated. Well, when I meditated, I focused on my breath and I concentrated on my breathing–. I had no idea what I was doing. At first, I thought I was trying to stop my thinking mind. That’s not really it. But as I meditated I noticed some beautiful sensations in my spine and throughout my body, like waves of energy surging throughout. That is spirit! You may not believe in spirit. I know I didn’t believe in it for many years. I didn’t think there was any higher power– I didn't even want to think about it. I was determined to be cynical. I did that for years. But through conscious endeavor; reading, meditation and contemplation, I began to feel spirit in myself, and it is the most wonderful experience!
It’s not all about meditation. It’s about the great paradox: that all concepts are present only in the mind- including this one- and although the mind is essential for our existence- when we slow down the mind enough- we can experience a different state- beyond concepts! This state exists beyond thought, and therefore beyond words. That is the paradox- I am writing about a state that is beyond words- but that doesn't mean it is beyond consciousness and beyond your reach—.
Energy is critical in all of this. All matter is Energy. The Universe is energy, your body, mind, and soul are energy, and so is Spirit. You are several things at one time. The physical, mental, spiritual, and the soul. Energy courses throughout all. Where does it come from? Where did matter and energy begin? Only silence can answer those questions.
In order to understand meditation and its purpose you have to understand a couple of key concepts. The first is, reality is a complicated concept– or actually, to use the words of Allan Watts reality is not a concept. Philosopher Immanual Kant proposed that there are phenomena (things you “think of”-- the conceptual–) and then there are Noumena (things in and of themselves). You will probably want and need to read this many times over, and that’s ok. The second thing is, if you ask yourself “who am I” you will probably notice that your mind will answer the question very quickly with “answers,” like I am a person, or I am this thinker,... etc. Meditation is the process of slowing down the mind (and body) so much that you can experience an empty- or somewhat empty mind- and then you can begin to see that 1). The thinking mind is the voice “you” call “yourself.” 2)When there is no thought something remains…(awareness itself, consciousness itself-). Actually, the mind that you are aware of thinks, and also when there is no thought or very little thought, occurring in your consciousness, there is still a conscious presence– “you”- a consciousness that witnesses all sensory perceptions and thoughts.
Thought is what? I have pondered this a great deal. Thought is mental movement– thought is mental form/ structure/shape and speaking silently to oneself is thinking, and thinking is basically mental structure done by the mind itself. Yes, I am saying that the voice you identify yourself to be is actually the mind, not you!- You are the soul- the entity that is aware of all sensations, thoughts, cognitions, emotions. You may have a very spiritual life- or you may have a very non- spiritual life. I believe that the greatest joy and sense of well being stems from having a rich spiritual life. What does it matter if you’re the most intelligent person, but you feel like you’re in hell all the time? That was me- (except I am probably not the most intelligent person–:)
Anything thought of is not noumenal- but rather, phnemomenal. However, that conscious energy and medium within which thought and sensation occur- that is you- and that “you” is really not a knowable entity. That which makes and allows knowing all phenomena to occur is “you.”
Don’t make the mistake of confusing Spirituality with religion. You don’t have to be Religious to be spiritual, but I think all religions in their basic forms point to the Spiritual. To make things even more fascinating, the Spiritual is compatible with science…, but let’s stay focused….
So, you have the physical body but what are ‘you?’ That body? No…. You are the Soul, which means awareness/consciousness, YOU the knower, the witness of all, including spirit. What is spirit? It is energy that flows through your body. I used to be ashamed to talk of the spiritual…, Now, because I want to be happy, I fully want to be as spiritually rich as I possibly can be. I want to feel the spirit flowing through my soul and body.
When you were born, you had no concepts - your mind was empty- but you were aware-... You had no name, you didn’t know of any words, concepts, or phenomena either,.... Think about that! It points to something very profound,.... The concepts that you observe in your mind-developed over time. Gradually, the mind that exists within your awareness, began to recognize patterns– those patterns became thoughts, ideas, concepts, words and then beliefs. The patterns (forms) were in sounds, shapes, and sensations, concepts, words, and symbols and here is the important thing, all those patterns (forms) are remembered by the mind. In the recognizing and classifying of these patterns (forms) the thought-concepts and thinking mind were slowly “born” (conditioned or “formed”) over time. In actuality, who was born? What was born? You, the soul- awareness-,which is formless- and without any attributes were already present before a body (form), and a mind (form) that remembers patterns(forms)! Can you understand that the thing that was born was a body (form) but the formless awareness (you) itself, was already in existence and is not bound by time or space nor does it have any attributes….! It has no beginning or end or centre because it is the absolute and it is formless but from it all forms arise and then dissolve back again…. Ultimately we would do well to remember that the very idea of understanding is a mental construct and is not what we are- it is a theory that exists, like theories, in the mind…. Meditate and slow down the mind and watch all theories come to a halt and vanish into complete and beautiful emptiness!
Here are the links to an outstanding three part 2017 movie called Samadhi, directed by Daniel Schmidt. It discusses various aspects of Spirituality and the Human experience.
Samadhi the Movie part 1: https://youtu.be/Bw9zSMsKcwk
Samadhi the Movie Part 2: https://youtu.be/AQL6qcGqQ0Y
Samadhi the movie part 3: https://youtu.be/Vu-Nw_ea9N4