Chapter Twenty:
A Night to Forget
When I flew to Japan, in December of 2001, the September 11th, “9-11” Terrorist Attacks had just taken place, and the world was still reeling in horror from the events of the attacks on the World Trade Centre in New York…. As a direct result of those events, airports were on high alert, and everywhere in the news the Terror Attacks and the War on Terror were being spoken about. Of course, I felt bad about the Terror Attacks, but, I had a hard time actually feeling real empathy toward anyone,... I knew that people were suffering, and the events in New York were almost inconceivable, and I knew it was bad,..., but I was still concerned with my own personal “Terror Attacks.” Still, even after all of the time since 1998 and the events of the “eruption” I felt as though I was still just barely keeping my head above water. Everything made me anxious and irritated! Everything exacerbated my anxiety and panic…. Even when I was on the airplane, heading to Japan in December of 2001, I thought of the 911 attacks, and I had all kinds of anxiety and discombobulating thoughts. The thoughts were triggering and I was ashamed that I was having them and that I was having the debilitating physical reactions to them…. On the flight to Japan I had thoughts like:
“What if I was somehow involved in the Sept. 11th attacks?!”
“What if I lost my mind in anxiety and had a “melt down” on the airplane,...?”
“What if I lost control and tried to open the Emergency Exit door on the airplane?” (Even though I had no intention of ever doing such a crazy thing)?
I would get jolts of anxiety from my thoughts, and my heart beat spasmodically in my chest— I wondered to myself, many times over the years:
“Could having an anxiety disorder wear out my heart?”
Once the plane I was on had taken off, out of Vancouver and the flight had gotten settled, at the first chance I got, I accepted the flight attendant’s offer of a cold can of beer,..., and diligently set to work, to get as drunk as my circumstances would permit! Going through customs, packing for Japan, saying goodbye to my familiar surroundings, and scrambling to get all of my documents ready for Japan had been especially nerve-wracking. Everything was nerve-wracking! I had to not only live with OCD, I felt I had to also be a high-functioning and successful professional, holding a respectable job, doing something respectable with my life,..., and now, I was going to live in Japan and do just that….
The flight’s duration was whittled down by thinking through all of my different worries (going over my tab), and also, by imagining both the worst-possible and then the best-possible scenarios I could think of…. Unfortunately, for me, I would dread the prospect of thinking of a new “worst-case scenario”, and then I might think of something new– just imagine something, and then I would start to analyze and contemplate if the scenario I had imagined could actually happen, and, in no- time, I would be on the cusp of a panic attack! I hated it, but I kept perpetuating the cycle…. Now I was sitting on a Jet, flying across the world to change myself! I was convinced I had to change my actions and my surroundings if I were to ever hope to experience a change in my thoughts and feelings…. I was diving into a different kind of life but would those external differences I was heading into be the catalysts for real inner change? I didn’t know,.... The plane hurtled toward Japan, there were movies to watch and I was lucky enough to be offered several more cans of beer, though the amount was nowhere near to what I really would have liked,..., but still it was better than nothing….
I kept thinking about the job that I had just left and how difficult it had been to merely make the money that I had made– my best month had paid me 3600$ dollars before taxes and that had amounted to about $2700 after tax deductions–! In order to accrue that amount I had actually worked extremely hard and sold 13 new and used vehicles. I was furious about that! I was so angry that I worked as hard as I had for such a small amount of money…. I was so angry, that other people in my work environment (like my supervisors) were making several times the amount I was and they were not having to do near the work I was….. I vowed to myself to never set foot into that type of work environment, ever again. I took it all extremely personally.
“Oh great!” I thought, as I contemplated the new job I was headed for, as a teacher in Japan, as if I really could handle any more duties and stress than my mind was dishing out just with my Obsessions, but, I thought to myself:
“At least I’ll be getting paid for every hour I work, and the pay is okay at about 23$ per hour. Plus, (I reasoned) (and this was extremely important):
"By going to Japan, I might meet a lovely woman who would make wonderful, (and copious) love to me, and help me, somehow, to heal from my plight, and she might take me to her family's house where they would all like me, and I might stumble into an amazingly easy job, that paid well, and that allowed me to drink all the time, and, I would escape the…."
The plane bounced onto the runway and my mind was jostled back into reality! I had had my drinks and thought about so many things during the 10 hour flight, and now, ready or not, the plane had landed in Narita airport!
First, I have to make it to my job!! I thought, as I took a deep breath and began to prepare myself, and gather myself together, forcing myself to think about the present moment and to get off the plane. The plane had touched down and now I had to get busy, and spring into action! I had to get off the plane, collect my baggage, clear customs, and then, find the correct bus…. I didn’t really know where I was going…. I, annoyedly, pulled out my notebook and looked at my notes,.... “Call the employer” it read….
I had to find a public pay phone, and call my contact person. This was just before the mass rollout of cellular phones throughout the world,.... I got through customs and collected my bags and found a public pay phone. I dialed the telephone number, and after a couple of rings my contact answered,…. Quickly, he formally welcomed me to Japan but then his tone changed as he began to give instructions. “You’re going to have to hustle,” He said, rather matter of factly….
“Take a bus to Tokyo,…,” make sure of this and that and “how about a hotel? “is that really necessary?” he implied…. I grimaced, inwardly, at my situation as I was quickly forming an opinion that this guy was both uncongenial and poorly spoken, (that was apparent) and he was obviously not concerned about my situation, that I was exhausted, and that I could really use a clean hotel room, a hot shower, and a good rest before we went any further! Nope– instead, he pushed forward! It was apparent that he didn’t care in the least, how I was doing! He clearly wanted to get me into the teaching job the next morning so he could continue billing his clients and he didn’t care that I was tired etc.,.... But it angered me, all the same, just how insensitive he came across as, and also how he really didn’t try to camouflage his true feelings,... And now, what choice did I have but to obey? He had me in a captive situation– I had to obey his demands– because I was in a strange land with no where to go, and I had promised his company that I would work for them– and they were friends with my brother-in-law- whom I thought I had to impress or at least to not disappoint— all the more reason that I resented the entire situation and I resented this guy’s blatant disregard for my wants and needs– and I also resented myself for allowing the situation to ever happen in the first place!
The English Company guy told me that I had the choice of staying with him at his house, or, staying at a hotel. I should’ve chosen the hotel, but I tried to save him money so I stayed at his house. (Alas, I am naturally a people pleaser!) Be that as it may, by the time I had arrived by bus, at the station in the area that he had directed me to, I was so tired, I was hardly worried or resentful, anymore, about anything or anyone,... By that time, I only wanted to sleep.
The next day we went to an office in Tokyo- Atsugi, and did some paperwork, which consisted of a lot of reading and the signing of contracts. This guy kept talking about the contracts and mentioning rules, and I noticed that there was a definite and distinct pre-occupation and a definite emphasis being put on all of the “contracts.” The guy kept talking about rules pertaining to the teaching of English,... he kept saying, things to the effect of “If you quit or get fired then you can't teach here and then you can't teach there and then you couldn't teach within three train stations of this school or that school as a stipulation of his contract–...! I looked at it all as quite annoying and ridiculous-...! All of this posturing and threatening me with these rules and stipulations–!! I had just arrived, I hadn’t even worked one day and I was completely new to the ESL scene,.... I was really surprised at the way they were choosing to welcome me onto their “team.” It was like something out of the Twilight zone….
On that same day of signing contracts, I was asked to observe an English lesson that another teacher was teaching with some young kids in the Tokyo- Atsugi area. The company that had hired me had a few different ESL operations. Some of their contracts were in factory and office locations in Nagano prefecture (think Komagane city and Miyada village), about a three hour drive away, and some of their contracts were in the Tokyo- Yokohama (Atsugi) region ,.... I went to a lesson being done by the company, and then I was asked to try to do a couple of the segments of the lesson. It was definitely something I was able to do. You just had to try to get the kids to speak English. So, you did all kinds of activities and games and textbook work to bring about that result. That same night my “boss” drove me up to Nagano prefecture, to Komagane city, where I was scheduled to live and teach on a full time basis. We drove up the highway, he played his music very loudly. I fell asleep for a few seconds at a time, but the blaring music made any real sleep impossible. The guy didn’t care. In fact, it was clear that he had no concern for my wants or needs, at all.
When we arrived in Komagane city, the night was cold and clear. It was about the 8th of December 2001, and about minus 2 degrees, celsius, outside. We entered the city of Komagane by the interchange access and drove down the hill to my apartment building…. The building we arrived at was a modern, brown brick apartment with a large parking lot and several cars and suvs parked in their respective spots…. The building had a small bronze plaque attached to it by the front entrance to the stairwell going up onto the different floors and on the bronze plaque was inscribed “Seizon Mansion.” In front of the building there were some small open fields and in the parking lot at the corner was a medium sized white-painted steel room with a latched door (this room was for tennant’s garbage). Around the fields, there were roads on all sides, and there were white guard-rails on all sides of the fields so that cars couldn’t accidentally or otherwise, drive over the edge of the road and into the fields.… I didn’t take much notice of the scenery at that time,.... I had to stay awake, and I had grown sleepy during the four-hour drive up to Komagane, and by this time jet lag and exhaustion were really kicking in.
But Now I had arrived! I had to wake up! The cold helped me to awaken…. I had the displeasure of carrying my bags up the five flights of stairs, by myself…. My supervisor was not lending much of a hand…. The supervisor was a guy from Saskatchewan. He was the cousin of the owner of the ESL company. He was a most unabashed fellow. He had, very unabashedly, asked me to just rush and get to Japan. I had found out about the potential job in Japan through my brother-in-law, Peter, because his friend, also a man from Saskatchewan, had gone to Japan and had opened a company in English as a Second Language. Initially I was relieved by that. I had met Peter’s friend once before at a gathering, and I thought to myself that it was going to be nice to be working with people from Saskatchewan, especially a close friend to my brother-in-law! I thought that because of our mutual connection, that the ESL company and I would surely have a good working relationship.- or at least that they would give me the benefit of the doubt, however, I was sorely mistaken.
As soon as I agreed to accept the job in Japan, I was immediately requested to rush, rush, rush! You see, what had happened was someone had been teaching for “The Company” and they had quit. Then, the company wished to find a replacement as quickly as possible, to fill the absence so that they could continue doing lessons and earning money. Because the employee had quit his job, the billing of hours to the client had abruptly come to a halt. Therefore, the money had stopped coming into the company. That is why they wanted to hire me. They didn’t hire me because they had any kind of interest in me, or because I had a certain skill or lack thereof…. They hired me because they needed to keep the money coming in. Period. So, in order to get that client’s money rolling back into their account, the company hired me and they wanted me in Japan, sitting at that desk as soon as possible, for their benefit, not for mine.
So, getting the necessary immigration documentation before going to Japan had been exhaustingly chaotic. Everything was a rush. The company told me to rush to Edmonton and just apply and get a Working Holiday Visa. So, they wanted me to drive 6 hours from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, to Edmonton, Alberta and apply for a visa. That meant that I had to get my airplane ticket and have a planned stay in Japan that was totally just made up. It was all just lies, to get the Working Holiday Visa, so that I could get over to Japan and start making them money. I didn’t see it at the time,... So, I did what they asked of me! And I worried, and I hurried,..., and it was more stress…. Just going to Edmonton to get the Working Holiday Visa had been very stressful. At the Consulate General of Japan’s office, I had to write down my plans for staying in Japan, and it all had to be a fabricated lie because I couldn’t tell them that I was heading to Japan to go to a job that was already arranged,...and I hated that, I hated lying from as early as I can remember, and was strangely obsessed with always trying to tell the truth,.... (this was one of my Compulsions)
While applying for my visa, because I was really going to go to work in Japan, I was under strict instructions from the company to lie to the Consulate Gneral of Japan in Edmonton, and apply for a Working Holiday Visa. I found that, again, to be particularly stressful. Japan had a special agreement with the Canadian government, for the Working Holiday program, which meant that if you were a Canadian or Japanese citizen in a certain age category, without a criminal record, you could potentially be eligible for a Working Holiday Visa. The working Holiday Visa had a bunch of rules, like you couldn't work more than 25 hours a week, etc…. Of course, the company that hired me was using the working holiday visa program to bring workers over to Japan- that wasn’t what was supposed to be happening but they didn’t care….
So, I had to really scramble to get my Working Holiday Visa, and the company, made no apologies about it. I had to get my passport and my visa and an airline ticket, in about one week, and,..., no big deal for them,.... But I did it. So I had successfully got all my documents, by going to Edmonton and making up a long story,... at the Consulate General of Japan,... and then I had flown to Japan, and taken a bus and then spent the night at the bosses house, on the hard floor, because I thought it would be smarter to offer to save him money,...and I had listened to the bosses stories about his life. But the boss's credibility was getting thinner and thinner with each passing moment,....
I got to my room after climbing the stairs with my bags. The boss had carried one light bag in one hand and made one trip, and I had made two trips and carried nearly everything myself,.... The room was supposed to be cleaned— but it wasn’t. Lots of things weren’t the way they should have been. That was my tough luck. There was a pipe for smoking weed or hash or something like it on the counter! When I saw that, I went into an instant panic,… but I remained outwardly calm. I was going to have to get rid of the pipe,..., somehow…! Then, there was all kinds of junk everywhere. An old dirty magazine lay on the shelf in the closet and the food in the fridge was turning black with mould. I was angry, but I pretended not to be….
I asked about all of these things, but “Sorry.” was all the supervisor said. “And by the way, there isn’t a heater here in the room,..., too bad,... (it was about plus 1 degrees in the room) “will you be ok for the night?” There was supposed to be a heater,.... (More excuses but no real apologies)....
He left shortly thereafter. I was alone in my room and it was about midnight. I didn’t know what to do. What could I do? I was in shock…. I decided that the best thing to do would be to go to sleep. So, I made the bed up with the dirty sheets and blankets, and I got all dressed up in my jackets and sweaters and my toque. Then I shut off the light….
I lay there in the cold quiet, just processing all of the events that had just happened,.... I thought and thought, about what I had to do, that I had to work the next day, and about the voluminous instructions I had been given on how to make my way to the train station and how to go to the Miyada factory,... and as I lay there I had the idea that if I could ever make it through all of this, and if I could ever somehow, be able to calm my mind down and be totally relaxed for prolonged periods of time, periods of time in which I could focus enough to write, it suddenly occurred to me that I had the makings of a story that would be of interest to so many people,.... I knew it,.... I knew I had a story worth telling, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to ever - even begin to try to tell it,..., and then, in the cold-quietude and darkness, there came a strange sound..., from the room next door,...
“Uhhhhhhha”
It was a high-pitched female moan, coming from the apartment next door, through the wall….
“UUUUhh,......
Uhhhhh…
Mmmmm —-- ah! MMMMMMMMM uuuuh!”
The moans were high-pitched and almost squealing like, and they were loud, and I knew, with perfect certainty, that it was the unmistakable sound of… sex…!
From the room next door, shrill, piercing and pleasure-filled high-pitched cries began to ring out in the cold night’s air…! It was obvious that the people next door didn’t care that someone might hear them! I had never, ever witnessed anything like it!
To say the least, I wasn’t happy! It was the proverbial cherry on top of my already completely frustrated and extremely agitated state…. I just laid there, exhausted and discombobulated,and listened to it for a while. Then frustrated and unwilling to sit there through the whole thing, I got up and banged on the wall, hoping I wouldn’t start a fight.
The noise stopped, abruptly, after they banged on the wall back at me…. I stood up next to the wall grimacing– maybe they would come to my main door and pound on it and we would proceed to discuss or even fight about this conflict,... me disturbing their love making- them disturbing my much desired quiet time– but they didn’t come to the door and demand an explanation– I waited and held my breath- my heart pounding in my chest and throat– “go ahead and come over here” I thought– I was ready to shout at them and let them know, that they were wrong and I was right– they could do whatever they wanted in the privacy of their apartment,, but I didn’t want to hear about it- not at midnight- in this cold wasteland- a wasteland of uncertainties and exhaustion and anxiety– I was truly at my breaking point!
Silence…. Thank God….
I went back to my bed and layed down, exhausted and shaking slightly in fear, apprehension, and anger. It was a night to forget. It was the worst of times. I laid there and tried to process all that was happening. There was nothing to do but relax and sleep. It was a lot of uncertainty and toil and questions flying and bouncing around the walls of my mind. I closed my eyes, and tried to sleep…. My grandparents had been through worse I thought to myself, …, much worse, I thought, as I instinctively strove to reassure and self-sooth, and I drifted, gradually, very gradually— into a deep and dreamless sleep, and while I drifted I remembered Hungry Hill and my grandparents and the warm autumn sun of October and my my family and the comforts of home, and for a short time, while I drifted into a deep sleep, the nightmare was over.