Chapter Thirty Six:
All is Well that Ends Well!
When I was a young boy, I used to love story time, and I used to love to play imaginary games. I used to play make believe games for days and days,..., and it was a beautiful experience and I felt so at ease. I used to play by myself for hours, making stories up, telling them to imaginary audiences, sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting, sometimes cackling, other times acting with great reverent solemnity,.... I loved truth, and beauty, and I loved stories, and imagination as well, and as I‘ve told you, I cherished all of my story times, whether they were with my father, mother, grandparents or my teachers in school, and I still do cherish them.
When I reflect back on my years of voluntary ERP therapy and struggles with OCD, I am humbled by the efforts that were put forth, and the lengths I went to to try to “eradicate” OCD from my life. So many others were involved in those efforts too…. I embarked on a journey to achieve an outcome, and in the end I “failed” but only in the strictest sense of the word, (because I still have OCD), but, when I consider my life in its totality, from chapter one and my roots as a young child, growing up in the way that I did, with all of my family and friends and community, and then I consider all of the people I met along my Journey, in school, study and life abroad, and then in life, with people, by myself,... thinking, doing, and then sometimes simple being— I am deeply moved by the undeniable wonder of the human heart and by life herself–. In this way, my journey was a success beyond anything I ever could have imagined! When I consider how most people are when they understand the true circumstances of another individual, that they have only good will and love for their fellow human, it fills me with awe, love, and reverence. When I look at all of the miracles that I have witnessed, all doubt that Divinity exists is eradicated…! That transition, from my darkest times, to these revelations are miracles in themselves!
My transition out of the construction industry, and living based on principles of modern cognitive behavioural therapy “ERP,” as it evolved from my daily life’s work simply not the ideal occupation for me and later, with the dislocated ankle and the lay off from the Earthworks company, put me back into sales which employs my strengths and attributes and therefore is a far more natural and agreeable occupation. My friendship with Dennis Ashworth, and the fellows at the dealership pushed me onto writing and Denis nudged me out of the shadows, and I spread my wings and I started to just be who I am! I soared over the mountains and across the great plains, up around the Mighty Peace River, and over field and forest, then back across to Fenton Ferry and “Hungry Hill,” then across to Komagane, Japan, and on and on and on I flew!.... I hadn’t realized that I could write about things that mattered to me, let alone with such ease and dexterity,.... Writing, and storytelling are my preferred modus operandi. I realized that, finally, after all of that long journey, I made it home, and I relaxed in and continue to relax and to abide in this realization. What if every little thing that ever happened to me and to everything and everybody in the entire universe was according to the exact plan or will of a Divine entity? What if that entity is beyond the scope of any type of “understanding?
Ever since I had been a young boy, I had worried that I might never be able to do something well,..., something that I believed in, and something that made sense to me and was meaningful to other people….. But I finally found that in writing itself and my endeavors to “change my mind” and to “change and cure myself,” well they were all very interesting and extremely educational chapters of my life that enriched me and added depth to my perspective.
There are so many stories that I haven’t told..., and topics that I have considered but chosen to omit for the purposes of this particular project. Perhaps, I will tell more of them as I go forward,....This book is my first story, the introduction,..., to all subsequent stories, the prelude, for all subsequent projects. I needed to tell my story, which is like a story of many stories, because it was too painful and too much and also too beautiful, to carry around for the rest of my life without sharing it. If this story helps you to feel better about life in any way, then I am delighted. Please know that simply by telling this story I have freed myself from a great burden and also realized a great many things. The alienation that anxiety and OCD can create is terrible. It is my sincere hope, among others, that you will have the strength and wisdom to reach out and confide in someone, if you are troubled with anxiety or OCD, and please don’t dismiss the spiritual journey as being unscientific and therefore “useless.” That’s what I did, for many years, before seeing the light! Life is a journey meant to be shared with others! I am preparing to close this story now, because it is that time, and I feel that my work here is almost done, but before I go, I’d like to leave you with a couple final points.
This book is not a “how to manual'' or a self help guide, promising you a “cure,”.... I have read way too many books that have titles suggesting cures and freedom from OCD,...and this isn’t that. Rather, this is my story, and my truth, and my goal has been to convey to you what it was, and is like, to live with OCD, as well as what helped me the most in my journey. Being yourself, and being comfortable with your natural skills and traits and abilities is paramount. You may admire your mentors, but you are not them. Be who you are! If you are good at something and you enjoy doing it, then do that! I do not recommend devoting your life and making major career choices with the objective of “eradicating OCD from your mind and life.” You may be a fan of ERP and it may work very well for you, but it is certainly and unapologetically not my choice for managing OCD. If you try several occupations and quit them all because you don’t really want to continue with them, that’s okay too. Do what is interesting and what makes sense to you, no matter what the “experts” may say.
I think this is an opportune time to mention that in truth at the purest level, language itself, is grossly inaccurate and although it does somewhat-effectively communicate ideas, the ideas themselves are just that,.... Ideas. This seemingly simple statement has drastic implications and ultimately, it points to the truth that, well, Nothing that can be understood is real— and that what is “thought” and “understood” as real is actually imaginary! This includes “you” and “me” and all “things,”..., every single distinction,.... Perhaps I will write in detail about this perhaps seemingly absurd set of claims in a different project, but it would be a considerable project,..., to say the least, and of course one of great irony,..., After all, If “I” don’t really exist, then who is it that is even writing these words,...!!!! I know,..., I know,... it is confusing, but remember all of these things, including the details of each and every “happening,” story, or occurrence are distinctions that spontaneously arise in the mind from of consciousness and all similarly will disappear back whence they came….. In short, I have many opinions, just as the “expert” does, also, but none of them are really true, accurate or in any way shape or form virtuous— that is all imagining as well, because it is thought-based,.... When this begins to be understood, the cessation of suffering is near,....
To those of you who suffer with OCD and to everyone else as well: Never give up on your journey for mental/emotional/spiritual wellness- peace and joy and of course that includes the reduction of panic and worry. Even if we cannot completely “eradicate” OCD from our lives, (or worry and panic for that matter), we can lessen them, I believe, and meditation and the spiritual path have certainly helped to lessen the impact that OCD has on me and I hope and believe that it can be the same for you. I love the spiritual path. It has made the biggest difference for me and my quality of life, and for that I will be eternally grateful. For those of you who are interested in the spiritual path, there are many websites and books that may be of interest that I will include at the back of this book.
I’d like to close by leaving you with a memory that I have of a time that I remember, many years ago, in about 1980. When I was a young boy, I went with my mother to a Girl Guide camp, as she was a leader at that time, and there was a camp at Heritage Lake, Saskatchewan. The camp was situated near the shore of the lake and there was a beautiful beach there and we all slept in tents and there was a mess hall and also a big campfire spot near the lake with wooden benches all around the fire pit so we could all sit there every night and sing songs as a group, around the crackling fire…. I went to that camp that summer and I had a wonderful time there. Every day we had fun all day long, doing all kinds of fun activities, and swimming, and then, every night we had “campfire” and oh, how I loved singing by the fire! We sat in a large circle, all just a group of friends, and we sang all kinds of songs. Songs like:
“Fire’s burning, fire’s burning,
Draw nearer, draw nearer,
In the glowing, in the glowing,
Come sing and be merry….”
—-- This was the song that we would sing as our first of the night…. Then there would be many others. This was one of them that I remember:
“Dip dip and swing ‘er back,
Flashing with silver,
Quick as the wild goose’ flight
Dip dip and swing.”
I remember feeling so calm and peaceful and full of hope at those campfires, that life just couldn’t possibly get much better than that…. We sang many songs under the stars, and I marvelled at the crackling fire in the darkness and the sun would be going down in a beautiful brilliant orange display, far out to the West, and it was peaceful, and fascinating, and there was so much goodness and spirit and love- flowing through me. Just thinking about it is a powerful thing. I believe that Life can be like that again both for me, and for you.
At the end of the campfire we would all join hands and sing a final song to the tune of taps, and it was particularly pretty and peaceful, and I am blessed with its memory and the memory of the feelings it invoked, deep within my heart. I feel so blessed and honoured that I could share these and my previous experiences with you. This lyric is special to me and I would like to pass it on to you, to search it up and learn and then say or sing to yourself, or hum it and enjoy and cherish at the end of your day, whether you’re alone or with friends or family, and I hope you will find it as beautiful as it was on those peaceful summer nights with the girl guides and my mother, at that special time near the water at Heritage Lake. The song is powerful because of its message, and, it goes like this, to the tune of “Taps”:
Day is done,
Gone the sun,
From the lakes, to the hills, to the sky….
All is calm,
Safely rest, …,
God is nigh….