Chapter Twenty Four:
Vulnerability
Vulnerable: Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
-(of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect. (Oxford Languages Dictionary)
When I was a little boy, and I had thoughts and anxious feelings, I felt weak, or vulnerable, and I was vulnerable.( I still get those feelings) I didn’t know what that feeling was but I had the unpleasant feeling of knowing that the experience I was having was unpleasant, (not how I wished it to be), and the knowledge that this experience could potentially cause a lot of turmoil, and if someone, (or something) caused me to feel more of that feeling then that would be more unpleasant. OCD and mental stress in itself, is vulnerability…. If you have any type of mental illness then you are vulnerable. Logically, the same applies for a physical disorder, as well.
Vulnerability is a key concept in my story. If someone says something to me in a certain situation or makes a gesture toward me, it is possible that I will become anxious (but I suppose this is true for many people). I used to experience anxiety as a child and then as an adolescent and then as an adult . My own reaction to my own vulnerability was very complicated, and was the cause of much grief, and pain. It was precisely because I did not like the truth, that I was a person who was vulnerable, that I did a great many things….. I tried to change myself..., I tried to become a person who doesn’t get frightened, a person who doesn’t panic,... A person who doesn’t have obsessions and compulsions. I didn’t want to accept that as my truth. But I do now accept it as one aspect of my truth. And I am ok with it. Now I am. It took me a very long time to realize it, but once I did, many things made sense.
Being vulnerable, to me, means having a weakness, or weaknesses. I have had OCD since I was born and I will have it until I die. It’s a type of way that my brain can operate– ie) obsessive thoughts can occur, accompanied with anxiety, and then compulsions can occur,.... In order to be fair to myself, I have to accept that as a kind of truth, and live accordingly. I didn’t ever want to accept the reality of my life. That I have an illness, and that I am not like everyone else…. Instead of accepting, I tried to change myself. When I began to see myself as flawed and in need of major changing– when I launched my new plans to devote my life to curing myself of OCD,... now that is the point when life went from bad to completely unmanageable—--. But In the end, on my journey to change myself, I realized that, being the person that I am, as I am, I have strengths as well as weaknesses. There is a disorder at play- and, it's not fun, it is hard, it needs understanding and compassion. But, it does not define me. I no longer set limits on myself and my plans because of my disorder,..., I have my own strengths. That is where I focus my attention. I Go there,..., I work in that domain. So now I say, build your career and your life in those domains, doing those things that empower you. Work on that which you are good at doing and confident in. Don’t give up on yourself because you have vulnerabilities- because you have the capacity for anxiety! Instead focus your attention on the strengths you have and spend time cultivating more strength. You don’t need to tell anyone about your vulnerabilities that you're not comfortable telling. You may or may not tell anyone! In my experience, sharing your vulnerability with some people is potentially very empowering, provided you do it in a way that you are comfortable with. This story is my way of reaching out to you and sharing with you, my vulnerability. Yes, it comes with a risk that you will roll your eyes and never want to speak with me or meet me again, etc…, but it also comes with the opportunity/chance that you may benefit from learning about my vulnerability, and all of the things I tell you of, might help you with your vulnerability. Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon? That only when we admit our vulnerabilities and thereby expose ourselves to potential criticism or ridicule, only then can we be our truest selves and only then can we be our absolute strongest selves! And in those moments, most people who witness vulnerability will (probably) most often, find that it inspires compassion and respect. That is one paradox I have witnessed many times.
Furthermore, those who choose to berate you if they find out about your vulnerability, probably have their own serious insecurities, and that’s unfortunate. But, still, be careful with whom you share your vulnerabilities. Some people will use that information to hurt you, and in some cases the hurt that they may cause you can be extremely painful, embarrassing, humiliating etc. If you have a vulnerability, be careful about telling people, but do tell those whom you feel you can trust. Confide in the people with whom you feel safe. Without a doubt, it is precisely the people in our lives who have the strength of character and the trust in our goodness, enough to share with us, their struggles and vulnerabilities, that really make a positive and lasting impression on us. I’ll always remember that.
Talking about matters of the heart, personal matters, important matters— it doesn’t happen easily- and for some people it rarely- if ever- happens. But it is necessary, if your heart and mind are burdened, to find an earthly presence to share the burdens- so look for those souls with whom you can be authentic- and when you find them- rejoice in them and take refuge in their kindness- and they will feel your attention and interaction with them as a type of compliment - and you will be true friends.