Chapter Twenty Three:
Smitten
After our initial date, Sonoko and I began to spend most of our free time together. At the end of the second date, I found myself sitting with her, in her car, outside of my apartment, saying goodbye. I was really nervous,.... I wanted to reach out and pull her close to me! I wanted to kiss her,-- to stake my claim!– to establish our relationship!– but I hesitated…. I leaned over and quickly gave her a kiss on the cheek and I said my goodbye, very awkwardly,- and hastily– fumbled my way out of her car and up the brightly-lit stairwell toward my dark and cold apartment.
A few minutes later, I laid down on my mattress, and thought of the way I had handled the kiss…. I was upset with myself. Had I just ruined my chances with Sonoko? Had I just made an irreparable blunder? Maybe now I had her thinking to herself that she would never ever spend another second with me! Perhaps that was the last time I would ever kiss her, or, perhaps, in twenty years, I would look back on these events and realize that all of my worrying had been for nothing, and that kiss was just the very beginning of a long love story. It was a nice dream,..., and I clung to it as I drifted off to sleep.
To my delight and astonishment, the next day, she called me! We weren’t finished! On the contrary, she wondered if I “wanted to meet with her to study Japanese?” She could teach me. We met at her grandpa's house, and began talking about studying, but we soon changed our plans from studying, to watching a movie…. We began to spend time together, after my work, and on weekends too! We thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. Once we started dating and I got the feeling that she was fond of me, we spent most of our free time together.
I met Sonoko on March 2, of 2002. I had a plane ticket already purchased to return to Saskatoon around the end of May, as part of the conditions of getting my Working Holiday Visa. As Sonoko and I spent more time together, I realized just how toxic my job with the Saskatchewan based English company was. It turned out that Sonoko had a friend, whose husband, an American citizen, was an ESL teacher working in the area to the South of us called Iida city, about 40 kilometers away, to the South of Komagane. We reached out to her and her husband, hoping to learn about any Teaching opportunities that they might know of. They told us that the company that Angelo was working for, Izumi Gakshyu Club , had job openings, and that we should reach out directly to them, and so we did.
It turned out that the prospective company had a job opportunity for me, where they would provide me with a car, and a clean and furnished apartment, for a modest fee, and they would provide me with classes to teach throughout Kamiina county with a moderate time commitment and competitive compensation. I would teach at 10 different locations, going to a new location with my car every day. Each location was usually a community hall of some kind. I would teach the students once every two weeks, alternating with a Japanese Nationality teacher, I taught our students twice a month, and the Japanese teacher taught them twice a month as well.
The company, Izumi Gakushyu Club, seemed far more trustworthy than the first, Saskatchewan based company. After all, I couldn’t see how they could possibly be any worse!! So, I accepted the job, and gave my notice to the Saskatchewan-based company. The terms on which I left the first company were less than amicable, but I got through it. At the time, they made it extra hard for me to quit the job, and forced me to go all the way to Tokyo to collect my last pay, refusing to pay me what they owed me unless I obeyed their unreasonable demands! I was very angry, but I obeyed and I collected my last pay, and closed that chapter of my life. It was an excellent decision to leave. The new company was far better to work for as they were civil, and reasonable. They provided me with a clean and furnished apartment and treated me with respect. It was through my job with that company that I was able to drive through the various towns in Kamiina county and experience some of the most beautiful and interesting places I had ever seen!
I returned to Canada in May of 2002, with a promise to both Sonoko and I.G.C. English to return to Japan at the end of June. I took a bus from Komagane to Shinjuku station in Tokyo, then got off and collected my bags and then boarded the airport bus bound for Narita Airport. The bus ride was long and I thought and thought about different things- private things. I worried and obsessed…. But I knew that I was on a better path. I was very fond of Sonoko. I wanted to spend time with her. That was for sure. I had many doubts, true to form of OCD. But still, I was very fond of Sonoko, that was for sure. I arrived in Prince Albert and I told Gramma Lilly and Grandpa Bob and Grandma Margie about Sonoko. I told them how we had met, so uncannily…. They were so happy for me. It was a time of rejoicing!
A few weeks later I returned to Japan as promised and planned, and everything progressed. IGC English signed me up and took me to my new apartment. Sonoko took charge and decorated my new accommodation with some plants and little things that made it feel far more comfortable and “homey.” I was so fortunate to have her as my friend. She whipped my little apartment into shape, and, in no time, it felt like home. My apartment was in Ina city (Aoyama Heights next to “Aoi To” restaurant) and by car it took about 20 minutes to get from my place in Ina, to Sonoko’s place in Komagane. I had a little Daihatsu Mira car that was provided to me by IGC. It was a simple car, exactly what I needed to zoom over to Komagane for a date- and we were constantly driving to see each other.
I finally decided to tell Sonoko about my OCD. Up till that point I had kept silent about it, but it was bothering me a great deal, to withhold information like that, and I made a plan to tell her. You may think to yourself “Why would you do that? You didn’t need to tell anybody anything. You didn’t need to tell Sonoko about your OCD. You created that need!” But, if you think that way, then you are not understanding OCD. With my OCD, I would experience terrible anxiety in the face of some uncertainties. If Sonoko didn’t know about all my thoughts and feelings (OCD), and then she found out sometime later, and realized I hadn’t told her the complete truth right from the beginning of our relationship, mightn’t she become angry at me for not telling her the whole truth? At the thought of that scenario, I would become very anxious. That is a large part of how OCD worked for me. I worried that I could be confronted, about not having told the truth. It’s that simple. I felt like if someone confronted me about me having lied to them, that I wouldn’t be able to handle that- and also, that I should avoid ever putting myself in that situation— which meant always striving to tell the whole truth, and yes, nothing but the truth, in all situations— and it was exhausting. If I chose to not tell the whole story- then I would experience crippling anxiety all day everyday until I “came clean.”
Sonoko and I went out, one afternoon, for Korean BBQ lunch (“Yakiniku”) and I planned to tell her about my disorder. I had been privately rehearsing it for a few days. Summoning up my courage, once we had finished our lunch I began to explain to her, my deep dark secret:
“So, there’s something I want to tell you about,”…. I said, a little nervously, glancing away from her briefly toward the menu posted up on the wall, and then back into her eyes.
“It’s a little bit complicated.” I said, Trying to be calm and to not stammer- “It’s about me. It’s very embarrassing,…” I said nervously….
“I have a problem.” I felt my face heating up— “I have thoughts that ,... totally stress me out, and it started when I was just little,... and it …. It’s a problem for me because it makes concentrating difficult sometimes and I feel so scared and I …”
I put everything I had into explaining my disorder to her clearly, honestly, and thoroughly. This was good and bad. Good because it was the truth, bad because I felt so worried about it all.
Sonoko listened compassionately. These were the moments when I thought that everything could come apart- that I could lose this special person, for whom I felt I had waited my entire life.
I watched her reactions…. She didn’t immediately show any type of dissatisfaction. Wait,… she wasn’t going to abandon me? I continued my explanation. It was a difficult thing to say. But she responded as I had prayed she would. With empathy…!
I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I had taken what I had felt was the biggest risk. I told her all about the experiences I was having, about the various years, including 1998, and the tumultuous seas of doubt, dread, and despair that I had found myself immersed and struggling in. I told her all about the details of my worries- about HIV themes, about the irrational and sometimes highly inappropriate or awkward nature of OCD, and about my distress and my frustration. She responded with compassion and respect, and I was so grateful to her, and I still am to this day.
After that, we began discussing strategies to get a handle on OCD and those included seeing a Doctor and trying medications. She booked a Doctors’ appointment in Matsumoto city, on the recommendation of a teacher of mine from Fukashi High school, and we went. The Doctor’s appointment was stressful. I was very nervous and ashamed and I told the Doctor all about my obsessions. He asked me if I was interested in taking medications, even if I knew that they might end up shortening my life span,....( requisite legal disclaimers). I told him that I was. I would try anything if it meant helping me have less obsessions and compulsions.
I got prescribed some medications. They had a few side effects, but they were tolerable. But Medications didn't stop OCD. It was frustrating. I had read articles, I had thought critically, I had tried as hard as I could, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts nor my body’s reaction to them. This is particularly frustrating when the going theory and rhetoric of the world is- “if you don’t like your life - change it.” But how? It seemed hopeless, but at least I had found Sonoko….
Life went on. About six months after I had met Sonoko, I asked her to marry me. She said “yes!” and we began to plan our wedding. We thought of and discussed many different scenarios. In the end, we decided on a smaller wedding in Hawaii. The wedding was to be smaller in the sense that I had resentment toward several people in my family and I thought that it would be silly to invite them to my wedding if I didn’t want to see them in the first place….
Resentment was something that was present and festering inside me and I avoided some people at all costs. Depending on the situations, relationships, and what had actually transpired, I didn’t just forgive and forget some people’s actions, attitudes, gestures, or remarks, if they had seriously hurt my feelings or upset me,…. I remembered those instances, and I still remember most of the situations where people treated me in a way that I thought was wrong, uncalled for or unjust. Some people say they forget that kind of stuff, but I didn’t, and I think it is part of how my brain is. But, in any case, resentments made up a huge chunk of my psychological world and they were a pastime and a huge chunk of my mental world that I secretly fed with my attention. I would always return back to the dark and upsetting instances that danced readily in the realm of my memory and turn them over again and again, and as I did that the memories seemed to have greater and greater impact on my emotional state.
I would always choose to avoid getting into any kind of argument with people, especially family members, and that included extended family, because it made sense for several reasons. By avoiding confrontation, it was less stressful, at least in the short term. I always tried avoiding any kind of conflict. I hated stress. I would pretend not to notice if someone was being subtly or obviously condescending, but, I would always notice. Then, l would keep that incident in the files of my memory and mull it over later on. When one person continually said things that were intimidating, hurtful, or generally offensive, of course I took special notice. One of my weaknesses was failing to be assertive and failing to promptly acknowledge when I felt others were being rude or unfair. I found this to be especially difficult when my aggressor was a family member. Some of my relatives liked to dish out criticism. I took their abuse in the throes of my illness,..., but I never ever forgot it.
There were a few events that really bothered me. They added up over the years. Comments, remarks, — a little jab here and a little jab there- maybe an inappropriate telephone call, maybe even the deafening message of silence in certain situations. I took it all in and I added it to a special tab of its own. As OCD gained momentum, I gradually became more spiteful. Family gatherings began to be something I began to think about- with unease. What would I say and how would I act with the individuals who were upsetting me? I wished those people would feel as hopeless and distraught as they had made me feel. I would rethink unpleasant incidents and I swore to myself that someday I would confront my aggressors and watch them writhe in the same degree of anguish that they had heaped upon me in my darkest and most difficult days.
On the rare occasions that I took a chance and asked for help from someone whom I thought/expected might be able to help me and whom I thought should help me,...,when I opened up a little about my struggles, I was promptly insulted and made to feel more hurt and embarrassed. I took that very personally. When I was at my wits’ end, day in and day out, in anxiety and then I got insulted, in the manner that I was, I quickly realized that, with certain family members, reaching out to them for support would never be an option. In the end, over the years the resentments I harboured became enormous sources of stress and eventually came to a head when I confronted my offenders and adjusted my actions- difficult conversations happened, and relationships were adjusted,... family dynamics were rearranged- and I eventually began a new life- but the process was slow and very difficult. I was in the early stages of changing my life,..., and it was a very difficult time because I was beginning to take actions against those who upset me, even if that action was simply in the form of avoidance- but it is worth repeating that the role of resentments in OCD is Huge and it is baffling how the simple memory of certain unpleasant events or conversations was all that was needed for me to work myself into a deeper and deeper state of anger and unhappiness.
Meanwhile, Sonoko and I were in love and we planned our wedding. We got married in December of 2002 on a beach called Kanapali beach on the island of Maui.The wedding was a memorable and emotional day. The ceremony was performed by an Hawaiian man, a minister who spoke both Japanese and English languages, and we hired a couple of guitarists who played and sang Hawaiian music as the wedding ceremony commenced. What an evening! It was December 23rd, 2002, and a calm and warm afternoon. The wedding took place right on the beach at K’aanapalIi at the Sheraton Maui Resort. The waves rolled in rhythmically and the sun sparkled off the crests of the waves…. Everyone was barefoot! The time came for my beloved Sonoko to make her way to where I stood waiting on the beach, the musician began and the melody and beauty of the entire scene was surreal! I looked down the beach and there, in a stunning white dress, and with a crown of red roses placed perfectly on her jet black hair, Sonoko was walking slowly toward me, her hand on her father's arm…. I couldn’t hold back my tears…. I was happy and excited, but at the same time, nervous and apprehensive of the future! I was very happy with our new-found love, and very happy that I was marrying such a wonderful person, but I also worried about the potential problems. As usual, there were so many “What ifs”.... What if there was infidelity, or problems with health or my OCD never went away or,...?
The ceremony was wonderful, terrifying, beautiful, and intense. The ceremony finished and we were pronounced “husband and wife.” We relaxed. dinner under the stars, a five course meal, prepared specially for the wedding party, at our very own private beach that we rented from the hotel for the night, was served. Dinner consisted of perfectly grilled steaks and elegant salads, with rich chocolate mousse cakes topped with raspberry coulis. Cigars and brandy were ordered afterward. Approximately 20 people comprised our party. Nearly everybody made speeches.
In 2002, after we got back from our wedding and honeymoon that took place in Hawaii, we settled into married life. The wedding was nice, it went smoothly. I was worried though, about my future, because I was still plagued with a great many intrusive thoughts and the commensurate doses of anxiety that usually came with the thoughts.
I was at a crossroads now, because now that we were married, we could consider having children. I thought a lot about children throughout my life, and I always wanted them. I did worry though, that having kids might be more food for OCD thought. I thought of it and I realized that I was obsessing before I had kids, and I would probably continue obsessing after we had kids,..., so I thought we might as well have kids. There was another thing too,... I heard that people who had kids tended to live longer than those who didn’t because they made a more concerted effort to be healthier so that they could provide for their dependents. It made sense to me,..., I wanted to survive, and I wanted to thrive. I wanted a family anyways. Sonoko did as well. So, In October of 2003, our first child, our son, Shinzo, was born.
I wanted to raise our children thoughtfully and wisely, with extra love and attention and that is what we tried for as parents. Shinzo was born on October 20th and it was a very exciting time. It was also anxiety provoking, …. I wish I could say that during my early days as a new husband, and a new father, that I was always calm and relaxed, and free from worries and anxieties but it wasn’t like that. I still worried and had doubts, and lots of times, most times, the doubts and the worries were irrational. That was particularly painful. What makes it even worse is When OCD focuses on those that are closest to you, it is humiliating and very disconcerting. I wanted to stop the cycles of OCD but I couldn’t. We just pressed on.
Shinzo was a happy little boy, and he was good natured and well behaved. I did my best to be present with him and to read to him and to play with him and to teach him everything I could,.... Sometimes I had my doubts, but I just kept trying to be loving and wise. I wanted to teach him about life, to be there for him if he had a problem. I wasn’t a perfect parent, and I wasn’t always present, but I tried my best, as did Sonoko, and Shinzo grew and developed from a baby to a little boy and to my delight he was a happy little child.
During our first year of marriage, many changes took place on the outside. I switched doctors, and I quit drinking alcohol. I also switched jobs, resigning after completing my first contract, and my wife and I, when she became pregnant with Shinzo, began to teach English out of her private English classroom that she had been running since before the time that I had met her. Things were getting better, indeed,they were.
The classroom that Sonoko had been using was constructed by her grandfather, Rokusaburo, the father of her mother, in about 1999, and the classroom was on the second floor of the house that he built both for himself to live on the bottom floor and for Sonoko to live in the upstairs where there was a bedroom for her and a classroom with a photocopying machine as well as a private bathroom and a separate entrance for students to enter from the back, as well as a separate bedroom for Sonoko to sleep in. The house was big and new,..., and it had a great many beautiful features, which included a large and beautiful traditional Japanese garden.
I had no idea about Sonoko’s classroom and the house that she lived in, and it was only after we had been engaged for a while that she mentioned that she had the option to choose the entire house to be her own, at the point that her grandfather chose to no longer live there. She didn’t know if she wished to do that or not, at the time of our engagement, but I told her that I thought she would be silly not to accept the house as her own, as her sister had received the jewelry shop as hers’ and Sonoko was entitled to the new house and English school as her fair portion of her grandfather’s and parents’ estate. It was a fortunate situation for us, as, if we were able to move into the house at some point after her grandfather, then we would be able to live without a mortgage payment and only be financially responsible for the upkeep of the garden and maintenance on the house, as there was no money owing on the house and school. It was a nice situation. We were very fortunate.
When we initially got married in 2002, December, we were living in an apartment about 1 kilometer from the house and classroom, and the house and classroom were about 400 meters from the family business, which was the Jewellery shop called Shiratori, which was located not too far from the train station called Komagane station. Above the jewelry shop, Sonoko’s mother, father, and sister all lived in a house.
The apartment that we first lived in was a comfortable enough place, although we had to climb a couple flights of stairs to get into it. Once inside, it was a warm place with orange stone tiled floors and a large soaker bathtub that even a person who was very tall, could immerse himself into, and soak himself easily, in luxurious hot water, stretching right out for a relaxing bath,....
Japan has a culture that values bathing with utmost importance in a tub and most showers and bathrooms were constructed with waterproof tiles on the floor and walls and roof both surrounding the bathtub and next to the space immediately adjacent to the bath tub where there was usually a shower space. It was designed so one could wash and soap up his body and then rinse off all the soap before getting into the bathtub. In this way, the tub could remain clean and pristine for the entire family to use in one evening, without the need to refill the tub with clean water each time for each family member.
We enjoyed our apartment a lot and it was a fine place to live, but in the spring of 2004, Grandpa Shiratori had a stroke and he decided to move out of his house to the hospital. He invited us to move into his house, and we accepted his offer and moved in that summer. It was a wonderful house to raise our kids in and to have more space and be where our English classroom was located, it was really convenient.
Shinzo was born in October 2003, and we moved into the new house in 2004. Everything went very well, on the outside. But the inner war continued and I tried to fight it with my intellect, and though I didn’t realize it, that was a fundamental problem, in itself. The mind itself was the domain that was causing all the problems. Worries, problems and resentments, they are all things in the dualistic world of thought. When you discover glimpses of the state of no mind- all of that disappears. Luckily, I was working toward a time when I would discover glimpses of that state,…, but it would take a lot longer. For the time being I dreamt about Hungry Hill, went to the Doctor for my meds, and I read about OCD therapy and ERP, trying to implement the techniques. I struggled on, searching desperately for a key to my dilemma.