Chapter Thirty Five:
The Turning of the Tides
Things were about to change a great deal. I was very hesitant and overflowing with apprehension and anxiety. I had been laid off again, and I was once again in a full blown state of panic! Afterall, I did have financial obligations, with a mortgage and bills that needed paying. As a general guideline, Sonoko, my wife, told me that we needed at least $5000 a month to keep things financially afloat,..., and everytime I got laid off, I began to worry about not finding employment and facing all kinds of stressful situations, not the least of which included bankruptcy and extreme humiliation,....
The last 2 years had been especially difficult, working with an earthworks company which basically meant that I was a labourer that did all of the labour work that was required,.... This included things like; erecting steel fences, to keep pedestrians out of areas and, shoveling mud off the road, or shoveling and raking dirt or gravel or directing traffic, when trucks were being loaded…. To me, these were all tougher jobs that required me to be there physically and mentally but they were thankless, low-paying, and unredeeming. To make matters worse, the work was sporadic, with an unset schedule and the employer had a system in place where they would send a text out every afternoon telling you whether or not you had work the next day, and if so, when and where to show up,.... It was extremely unstable,.... To make matters even worse, I worked with guys with whom I had nothing in common. They approached life entirely differently from me, they chose words and expressions that made me cringe, and overall, the type of work that they were doing, well, it didn’t interest me at all.
For all of these reasons, I began to reluctantly think of doing something very different, but something that came very naturally to myself… this flew against the narrative by which I had been living my life by, since 2012, a life that was Exposure and Response Prevention centered,.... This was a very difficult juncture for me and I was filled with despair that I was at the juncture in the first place,..., and, I was angry and sad that my ERP experiment hadn’t worked and that I was actually considering a sales job (didn’t this mean that I was a failure?),..., yes, the obvious and easy solution to all of my problems, was staring me silently in the face,..., to go and work in a sales job, selling Toyota brand vehicles to customers in Calgary. In some ways, to me it screamed defeat. But still, I contemplated it simply because it was the most logical idea even though it ran counter to the experts…. The reasons why it was glorious were manifold: firstly, automotive sales required an adeptness and confidence with talking to and dealing with people,..., about all manner of things, including, but not limited to, buying vehicles. That was me,.... I am very confident and at ease with doing that, and I always have been,.... The second thing was that sales require a degree of affability, a set of characteristics and qualities the end result of which are that people like being around the seller–. For some reason, I knew I had that affability factor,.... And furthermore, selling cars and trucks involved tact and diplomacy as well as inner self originating initiative as well as extremely capable writing and communication skills,.... All of these things I had in spades, yet in the building trades these qualities were almost totally irrelevant. Add the fact that my job as a salesman would mean no more manual labour, outdoors all day, on hands and knees, trying to be interested in processes that I simply wasn’t interested in,.... The more I weighed it all out the more I realized that it was and always had been a no brainer— I was more suited toward sales and less suited toward being a builder, when you just forgot about doing things to make yourself anxious— and you thought about what was natural and spontaneous– It was obvious that sales were the optimal choice, for all of the aforementioned reasons.
Yet still I had my misgivings,...
“If I give up welding, what will everyone think of me?” “I spent 9 years in construction, and now I’m going to throw all that away?”
I thought about and debated getting back into sales. It wasn’t what I had been planning. If I did, I would want to sell a good Japanese brand, it would have to be Toyota, Honda, or Nissan…. I mulled it over. Everyday I felt so anxious. I could use my Journeyman Welding ticket, out of a sense of obligation because I had spent time and resources getting it, or, I could take a job unrelated to welding and construction and building things. I wanted to try that. I hadn’t ever even considered it since I had left Prince Albert in December of 2001. What were my options? I decided to just throw my hat in the ring, and to try automotive sales. I had nothing to lose. Things couldn’t get any more dismal, and I needed to drastically change my modus operandi. I began to consider changing the way I was basing my decisions and changing my mindset on living a life based on the principles of ERP. The implications of doing that were astronomical! IMAGINE! Letting go of the idea that I had to expose myself to anxiety provoking stimuli, and simply going with the flow of life!! Imagine choosing a job that appealed to me because I was confident with it, and it made sense to me, and I understood its fundamentals which were product knowledge and then the process of the sale, and finally customer service…..
I began to contemplate this new concept of just choosing what was intrinsically appealing, …. I mentioned my new idea to my kids and my wife,.... They were shocked,..., but they offered their support and approval,.... Next, I began to contemplate car dealerships and what the different options might be,....
There were several dealerships located within a few kilometers of my house,..., Toyota, Nissan, Lexus,... Honda, Acura,.... I was only interested in Japanese companies,.... I began to consider going out and visiting a few dealerships,..., I thought of my dress clothes,..., it had been nearly ten years since I really had even considered putting on a button-up shirt and a tie! I made a few calls and spoke to a few people,.... I went to a Mitsubishi dealership and had an interview,.... It went well,..., the people were friendly and affable,..., the dealership was warm and welcoming,..., there was even free, hot coffee and espresso.
At the Mitsubishi dealership I spoke to two gentlemen about the sales job aspect and I was surprised to learn that a large part of selling was being able to repeatedly make phone calls and through telephone conversations to set up in store appointments with prospective buyers. I hadn’t really thought of that,.... The manager at the Mitsubishi dealership told me that he had one employee who was doing extremely well, selling and that he spent the majority of his time on the phone talking to people and that he had been previously working in the construction industry…. I was very intrigued. I left the interview full of new ideas and renewed hope.
A couple of days later I saw an ad early one morning, for a sales position at a big dealership, the largest Toyota dealership in Western Canada that features full service and sales of Toyota vehicles. I had just re-worked my resume. It was all updated, designed, and tailored specifically for a prospective Toyota employer.
I read the ad and I decided to apply for the job. An hour later the phone rang, I looked at my call display, it was from the dealership.
I answered the call, and it was the used car sales manager. We spoke briefly and he invited me in for an interview, later that morning. I showered and shaved, and put together a sharp outfit with a nice tie, belt, and a snazzy pair of socks and shoes. The interview was a breeze…. I was hired!
That was on a Friday. The next Monday morning I was at the dealership beginning the on-boarding process. A few days later I began talking to customers. I was still able to sell cars. The first one I sold was to a man named Hailu. He was a nice fellow and we got along well. A few months after he had bought his Rav4 he called me and invited me out for lunch. Life was presenting new and exciting blessings. It was amazing. I was making a good living, and I didn’t have to travel anywhere or do any kind of manual labour! Nobody made me feel uncomfortable! It was so completely different than the prior job! I was making far more than I had at the earthworks company, and I was required to do far less physical work than I had to do at the earthworks place…. It was amazing! On top of that, it seemed that at the crux of my duties at Country Hills was the fact that I had to be able to communicate with people and build a foundation of rapport, which was something that came naturally to me….
I still had a lot of anxiety on a daily basis. I was intimidated by the fellows at work and I was really new to the ways at the new dealership. I had tried since 2020 off and on with meditation, with little noticeable benefit. Yet, in the fall of 2021 I decided to wake up at 5am and to just try to meditate. Up at 5 am, I started meditating using the techniques described in the books by Gary Webber. Almost immediately I started to notice feelings and sensations that were pleasurable and I started to relax while meditating. I would sit in my Lazyboy recliner and just breathe and focus on my breathing and after 30 minutes, if my mind was getting quiet, I would ask myself the question: “who am I?” or I would just focus on my breathing and the results were nothing short of astonishing! I found myself experiencing the most pleasant sensations in my head and being completely relaxed and sometimes entirely devoid of thought!! It was a massive discovery and a huge victory. What I wouldn’t have given to have that luxury for the last 25 years! I kept meditating, every morning and every evening, and I still do, everyday.
In the beginning of 2022 I began talking more to my colleagues at work, little by little. For the first couple of months at my sales job, I had been extremely anxious and I had been overthinking everything to an extreme degree. But I started to loosen up. At first, I never dreamed of getting remotely “close” to my co-workers or telling any of them my personal story and about my life and my personal struggles. But, as things unfolded, I started to share small details, then bigger details…, with those I felt comfortable sharing.
I started making meaningful connections at work…. I started to relax in meditation. What a milestone! What a monumental time it was. The fellows at work and I would be chatting and I would start to tell them about duck hunting, and how I used to go hunting around Prince Albert, and the fellows would listen closely, and be genuinely intrigued, and I noticed that! I made friends with a fellow named Dennis Ashworth, and I genuinely enjoyed chatting with him. He is an interesting fellow, a phenomenal athlete, and a clever guy, and he respected me and I saw it, and that inspired me. So, I started telling Dennis about OCD,…, and about my past. I was really relieved that he didn’t think I was stupid or dumb,..., he thought I was clever,.... He gave me the idea that I was an intelligent person with OCD,.... I continued my meditations and I continued to ponder and ask myself every day, at different times,... “Who am I?” “Are these thoughts that I have, me?” I realized more and more that the voice in my head was the voice of thought. I also realized that I had chosen to live my life as a tradesperson/ apprentice/ labourer for 10 years, in order to beat “OCD” but I also realized I didn’t have to do that anymore. After all, if the person that” I” believed” I” was, was itself only a thought or cluster of thoughts, what was OCD itself? What was anything? What about mental illnesses. I am not going to try to explain or answer those questions. But suffice it to say that the was an article on a website that really resonated with me. It is here
https://realization.org/p/iamquiet/what-is-enlightenment-and-how-do-you-find-it.html
I won’t pretend to be the entity behind it all. But the idea that was central to the article was that all “thought is imaginary1 .”
I pondered the article and continued my meditations. I had some beautiful experiences of “no-self.” They were so new and unlike anything I had ever experienced ever before. Then, I realized I could write “my story,” I told Dennis that I wanted to write a sample of my story.
“Really??? That’s cool man, you should do it!” he said….
I thought about it,... very seriously.
What if the way I wrote was appealing to him and what if I could write my story without even hardly trying? Somewhere deep inside, everything was synchronizing. I sat down and grabbed my computer and began to type. A while later I had a version of Chapter one finished….
I realized I could have been selling cars all these 10 years. I realized it was possible that ERP had been all for nothing, or all to put me in this present moment! I realized I was so much more “at home” and “myself” working with people and fraternizing with Dennis and people like him. I began to have epiphanies with great regularity, and, I started writing, and the story all unfolded, and it was a beautiful thing. I continued my daily meditation practice and my writing.
1 Taken from website www.realization.org an entry by a user named “iamquiet.”