Chapter Thirty Two:
The Fuse Burns Shorter
All the while I was pounding off Jodichar, I was trying, quite desperately, to get on with the welding crew at “the company.” I had been told by Sean that I could get a new apprenticeship, which would replace my Millwright apprenticeship with an apprenticeship in welding. I was relieved by this because it meant I could stay with the company, and not have to seek out a new employer, thereby avoiding potential pitfalls, awkwardness, frustrations, and of course conflicts but there were a catch. The catch was that in order to be indentured as an apprentice welder, by the company, I first had to successfully pass the CWB (Canadian Welding Bureau) welding exams. Those exams were practical welding tests and they were very difficult. One had to be a strong welder to pass them. One had to be a seasoned, knowledgeable, and highly skilled welder to pass them,...! Not a first year apprentice, or a beginner. This was strange because the whole idea of becoming a first year apprentice is that the apprentice is supposed to be a novice!!! (More absurdity) The CWB tests were carefully developed to really test your welding skills,... They didn’t test all of the other skills necessary to be a good metal fabricator, like measuring and blueprint reading, or layout, but they did test your welding skills, and I was required to pass the tests, all four of them, in order to begin my apprenticeship as a first year apprentice. It didn’t make sense, at all. But, that was what I was being told I had to do. That was the company's policy … It was beyond frustrating. The other thing was that once I finished my CWB tests and entered the apprenticeship, I would still have to fulfill all of the requirements for completion of the Journeyman certificate, which included attending school for 3 blocks of practical and theoretical knowledge in welding,... These blocks were about 8 weeks long and cost about 2000$ each.
I was under a great deal of stress because of everything up till that point and:
1) I didn’t want to have to move from Vancouver to somewhere cheaper or to Saskatchewan because I thought that would make me look weak, like I had failed, and my wife was adamant that we stay in Vancouver.
2) I wanted to succeed at a welding career because I had told many people that I would do it, and now, if I didn’t continue I was afraid of how and what people would think of me.
I had the responsibility of earning income to support myself and my family, and I also told myself that I needed to become a welding apprentice, and then, eventually a Journeyman welder. I had heard that welders earned, compared to the average salary, a high salary, and so I imagined making a high wage, and being a different kind of person than I saw myself as, and working around highly explosive acetylene gas and oxygen tanks, doing shielded metal arc welding, and getting burned, and generally being an “old hand” and a relaxed person …. Perhaps then, after doing these aforementioned behaviours I would feel calm, and I would no longer have OCD.
I was spending some of my time off of work practicing welding at a technical school in Vancouver. I would drive an hour and a half, through congested lower-mainland traffic, and then, pay about 50$/hr, to rent a welding booth, at Kwantlen Polytechnic in Cloverdale near the city of Surrey,…. There were instructors there but they didn’t have much time or patience for a student who wasn’t taking their courses. I was trying to get good at welding to pass the CWB welding tests. I wanted to skip the courses,…, because I was already very busy with my job and I had already taken courses for Millwright and I had studied for my university degree, studied Japanese language and studied OCD articles and books, and I felt I had already studied enough, but I couldn’t really weld and that was a major problem if I wanted to get an apprenticeship with the company.
The thing that was becoming increasingly apparent was that these CWB tests were extremely difficult to pass. The tests had been carefully and specifically designed to weed out the novice welder, and to also weed out any fluke or luck being involved in passing. They (the Canadian Welding Bureau) did it by designing the test to be examined visually by a welding inspector on each initial pass, and to have the welder perform multiple starts and stops on the root passes (this really increases the probability of having a flaw in the weld).... Furthermore, they graded the final visual weld, pass or fail, and then to really see if you could weld, they had the test welder after finishing the welding prepare his plate for bending ( bend test) and then they bent it with an hydraulic press and examined the bend for any type of crack or fissure in the metal. Any cracks, no matter how fine, over .125 of an inch, and it was an automatic fail. Lots of people can weld nicely with an aesthetically pleasing weld, but when it comes to the bend test, well, many people would fail it, because, even the tiniest flaw in the root passes would result in a big crack in a bend test, and therefore, failure, and to further complicate things, testing was very expensive….
I went back to the Fort Hills project and was working again, as a labourer, and by this time I was impatient and frustrated. I took everything personally. Everywhere I turned, people were breaking promises or lying through their teeth to make profits, or complaining to me about how I had to do better,...! My friend Dave and I got in trouble one day at work. The general foreman became upset with us, and alleged that we were being “insubordinate,” and he had taken the liberty of calling our “union” rep and preparing some disciplinary forms at lunch break without having the union rep notify us and hear our side of the story beforehand. Basically, the general foreman had a job he wanted us to do, quickly, and he wanted us to split up and work separately. It was a task of cleaning up a van for some “important managers” but we chose to ignore the request, because the general foreman who had requested it, treated us poorly, even after the magnificent work we had done on the Jodichar!
A few weeks prior, when we had been toiling on the Jodichar, that same general foreman had come to us at the very beginning of the job and introduced himself and pledged to us that we were doing a very important job, (we were correcting a 100 million dollar problem!) and he also assured us that he was committed to helping us with our jobs, and that if there was anything at all that we needed, to just ask him. At that time, I had the idea that we could really use some larger Vice Grips, like 12 inch ones, so I made a point of asking for them, but they had, not surprisingly, ever showed up. I had inquired a few times subsequently, but,… nothing ever showed up, and there was never any explanation given. It was always like that, a great deal of fancy talk, promises from leadership or authorities (the establishment) that were never carried out. They hardly even said “good job,” but still management was making exorbitant salaries with exorbitant end-of-job bonuses…! Indeed they used us like disposable rags, and they made no effort to hide their indifference to our feelings or our efforts. That stung. So, I had been insubordinate! But they had been inhuman!
The general foreman, who was one rank above the foreman, brought in the union rep, secretly and quietly, in the foreman trailer, and had prepared some documents and laid them out on a table. They hadn’t brought our union rep to talk to us about the meeting, before the meeting, which was standard procedure. Instead, they suddenly asked us to step into the office and told us that we had been insubordinate and that they wanted us to sign the papers, acknowledging that we had been warned and that we agreed that we had been insubordinate, and, that if we had any more infractions, that we would be terminated! The general foreman and the union rep were ignoring the labour laws to suit themselves. It was illegal. However, our “union” (it really wasn’t even a real union) rep had no interest in hearing our side of the story,…, he wasn’t even following protocol. I refused to sign the documents, initially, but they threatened to fire me if I didn’t sign. Then I gave in. I wept in front of them all. It wasn’t supposed to be that way! I hated it and I resented it, very deeply. I was embarrassed and extremely humiliated. In desperation, I told them about my OCD…, I was very sad. Later, our foreman, Sean, said,
“I’m sorry about that Jesse, If I would have known you had OCD, I wouldn’t have done that,...” …Another empty promise,.... It was done anyway!
A few months later he was fired for some kind of rule violation, drinking beer with his young female employees,…, it was a dry camp, which meant no alcohol on site but he didn’t care….
A couple of days later, the more senior union official came up to site and heard my side of the story, and he removed the first union rep from all union duties because he was simply helping the company do whatever they wanted, and not doing his job as union rep. He had no idea or desire to do the true job of a union rep. But still the union was weak, and they were ultimately a front for the company to look like it was interested in a fair and equitable work environment. I was sick of it all. I was extremely unwell due to stress. The whole ERP approach was a big factor. From that came so much unnecessary stress. Then, I was fighting with work, my wife about work and money, and my family about many things. I was also busy, right at that time trying to plan a family gathering and although I was making a concerted effort to organize an event, I was being questioned and challenged by members of my family regarding the decisions I was making in the planning of the event, and I felt like I was going to blow up with all of my anger….
One of my sisters and I had been planning a family fishing trip for my dad's 70th birthday celebration. I had offered to plan the fishing portion of the trip and to shop around for a guide near the Tofino area of Vancouver island. There were many complaints and endless questions and objections from some of my family about a nominal fee (100$) that was being requested by the guide as a deposit. The fishing guide service owner had his policies about booking fishing dates, and those policies included paying a deposit for the number of people who wished to fish. I had taken the information back to my family. Some of them complained. “Why did they have to decide now if they were going on the boat?” I pleaded with the owner of the company. I relayed the messages between my family and the fishing company…. Finally out of sheer frustration I said to my family members:
“Just allow me to pay the difference, and if you decide not to go on the boat it’s ok, I will absorb the $100 loss.”
But some of my family wouldn't let it go. The next morning, while still grappling with the insubordination situation at work, I was laying in bed at work in camp, and the owner of the fishing charter called me from Tofino, and said that my family member had called him a few minutes earlier, and argued with him and hung up on him! I didn’t need that…! I was so angry!
Frustrated and furious, I left my job and flew to Saskatoon and went out to the farm to try to cool down. I was so upset, and I didn’t want to see my wife because I was mad at her and I was mad at my family members too,.... After I got to the farm I got into a massive shouting match with my sisters and my mom. They said to me,
“What is the matter with you, Jesse? Why are you so mad? You have an anger problem! They said….
I couldn’t believe how they saw me as the one who was out of line! I didn’t see it that way at all…! They made comments about my parenting choices and my life choices! I just got angrier! Can you see the spiral? After the fight, I drove into the small town of Shellbrook and for the first time in years, I bought a case of beer, and rented a room at the motel…. I started drinking….. I sat in the motel and drank the cold beer in Hot fury and my mind became a place of terrible pain and a land of fury and hatred, the likes of which I had never seen before…. I was now in a terrible state of mind. I was beyond angry!
My marriage was on the rocks. Our finances were getting shakier and shakier, My career was terrible, my mental health was terrible and my familial relationships were disastrous. I had no support system, at all…. I can only attempt to tell you how low I felt and how angry and sad and frustrated all at the same time. My sanity had eroded to ,..., bitterness and sad dejected sorrow….I was so mad at my family, I felt they had no clue about my life’s struggles and how much I was sacrificing to do my ERP THERAPY, to earn my salary in the manner that I was….
I was beyond fed up. Now, I returned to Vancouver. I was drinking two beers every night, while at home in Vancouver and they were very enjoyable because they helped me to relax. I wasn’t a binge drinker,... drinking was not really a problem. It was the anger toward my family and toward so many people and establishments! I started thinking of taking a welding foundation course because I still had to successfully pass my four CWB weld tests! A welder’s foundational course was a course that one attended 5 days a week and welded for the majority of the time everyday. They were formal education courses held by provincial governments, and they were not cheap…. You would go into school from 9 a.m until 3pm and you could weld a lot in 5 hours…. The consumable cost for steel and for electrodes alone, was very expensive, and that’s why the tuition was about $7,000 dollars. I checked, in the various cities of Vancouver, Surrey, and Burnaby, Calgary, and Edmonton, and even in Victoria,... there were no openings in any of the programs at any of those technical schools. Then I thought of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. I could check that place! There was a technical school not far from the neighborhood in which I had grown up. If I went to Prince Albert for the course I could go out to Hungry Hill and go hunting, on weekends, and that would maybe help me to feel better? I phoned the school and inquired…. There was an opening! It was about September 5th, 2016 at that time, and the class had already started, but there had been some cancellations…. I was intrigued! I could fly to Saskatoon and get a ride to Prince Albert from my dad. I could take the course, and even though it was expensive, I would pass my CWB TESTS. That’s all I thought mattered, because then I would have a job with the company… I called Siast Woodland Campus and I spoke to the department head of welding. Let’s pretend his name was Fred. I explained to him my situation, that I was thinking of taking the course, but it was going to cost me the $7,000 plus 9 months of lost wages…. Our savings in the bank were plummeting and by the end of the course we would be in debt. I told Fred that I would take the course under the condition that he would let me take the 4 CWB weld tests and he would see that I was trained up on those procedures so that my passing was guaranteed. He said that I had his word. I then made the decision to enroll in the course.
My wife and I were having a lot of disagreements. Money was a huge issue. I started thinking that maybe I would have to look at divorce. We had arrived in Vancouver with a substantial nest egg, and now it was dwindling very quickly…. I decided to leave my wife and kids in Vancouver, and go to Prince Albert from September to May of 2017. Financially, it was a bad scenario. I was choosing to stop earning money for 9 months, while we still had our living expenses in Vancouver and I had to pay the course fees with our savings. My wife and I weren’t divorced, but I was angry with her because she wasn’t working, and she was pressuring me to earn more at my job. I was so sick of criticism.
My parents told me I shouldn’t go hunting while living in Prince Albert in 2016-2017 doing the welding course, and that I should be working at some minimum wage job. I just got angrier, and it was a disastrous decision to stay with them in the first place. I started to speak my mind with all my family members. If they hadn’t kept in touch with me I confronted them with that, If and when they criticized me. I told them they had been absent in my days of doom- and it had been a long struggle even before that. I had so much resentment it was boiling over! I was livid! I was furious with the way my life had gone and I was furious with my parents and my sisters and many people in my extended family, (even if they were no longer alive….) If somebody started to criticize me I wouldn’t let it go…. I wouldn't let people get away with anything. Remember how I used to just let criticism fall on me? Now I’d respond with a scornful attack and bring up everything that they could have done better in their lives. I saw criticism against myself from most people as being kind of like the bible verse that said:
“Why do you point out the speck in my eye and ignore the plank in your own eye?”
I am not saying that I was being wise or prudent. I am simply telling you the story of how things were, or rather, how I saw them.
I arrived in Prince Albert and started my welding course. It was good in the sense that it afforded me a lot of welding practice. There were farm boys from the towns of Meath Park and Leoville, and young First Nation students from Pinehouse and Deschambeault Lakes. But I was going to be a welder! Maybe I would become like the farm boys, if I worked with highly flammable acetylene gas enough... Maybe then I wouldn’t have OCD if I welded enough. Maybe I would be carefree, and relaxed, if I took these actions….
To my parents’ chagrin I went out to Hungry Hill every weekend and I went hunting. I had a lot of conflict with my parents, especially now that I had decided to just say what I thought,... I called Sonoko, Shinzo, and Sasha every evening. My goal was to get my CWB tickets in the four main welding positions before I returned to Vancouver. The director of the program in Prince Albert, promised me that I would be able to do that. By this time there was a fury that was inside of me that was all consuming. I blamed my family for not being there for me during all my years of suffering. Things were bad. Many times, now, if I saw something that was, in my opinion, right or ethical, I would vocalize my opinion about it! Even at welding school!
I felt bitter at my family. I thought they had been unwise, callous, or uncaring, and aloof in the way they had handled my illness. They had repeatedly dismissed my complaints about OCD as unworthy of seeking medical help, and simply brushed it all off and told me to just relax. But in retrospect they were and are only human. My sister and my parents wanted me to see a counselor for anger management. On January 31, I had a terrible argument with my parents and I moved out of their house and into a friend's house, and I stayed there until my welding courses finished.
It’s important to note that anger and rage had boiled up so much that I was really in a bad way. You don’t fully understand what it was that had caused my anger, because I haven't told you everything. I would think about things that had happened years before, and be so angry. Suffice it to say, that I finally, eventually,... hit “rock-bottom.”
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