Chapter Nine:
High School Days
In September of 1991 I began high school at Carlton Comprehensive High School in Prince Albert. My high school days were, for the most part, pretty good. I had a lot of friends and...I had a great part-time job. I had some great teachers,... and I did quite well in school. I spent a great deal of time on my school work, every night and on the weekends too. I was planning to be a doctor, or a dentist, or a lawyer, (yes, I saw the world in a very narrow way) but I was leaning toward becoming a lawyer because I got better marks in the humanities where writing was more involved, whereas I struggled to get high marks in subjects that involved mathematics. The part time job that I landed had a huge impact on my life because it was a job where I could do my homework, while simultaneously, getting paid! Suddenly, I was making $5.35/hr to do my homework! Given that I was going to spend 3-5 hours every night on homework, regardless of where I was, it was amazing, at that time, to get paid for three of those hours! Furthermore, the place I worked at was a physiotherapy clinic, and there was an extensive professional standard gym there, equipped with an olympic style squat rack and bench press, along with about 12 Nautilus (exercise) machines and three cardio exercise machines.
I loved working there at the Physio Clinic, because I was going to do my homework anyway, but now, I had a set schedule, usually 6pm-9pm Monday to Friday and Saturdays from noon till 5pm, where I had a commitment to be at work, and therefore I was always committed to earning money and working on homework. The Physiotherapy clinic had a computer system that I could use, and a laser printer, a printing system far superior to the one we had at home. I loved completing a writing assignment and then pushing “print” and never having to worry that the printer might malfunction or jam,.... My official finishing time at work was 9pm, but I could and I would often stay late, locking the doors, and working on school work in that quiet and peaceful space. It was ideal. Through my job, I was able to gain about $100 per week of income, have free access to a great gym, and have a regular, quiet spot to go to where I could do my homework in solitude and comfort.
At my job, my main responsibilities were to sell gym memberships and explain how all of the exercise equipment worked, to new or prospective members, and to do the laundry from the physiotherapy clinic and also to vacuum the entire building about once a week. I also had to wipe down and disinfect all of the equipment and lock the doors at the end of each shift.
The nature in which I obtained the job was interesting. It was the summer holiday time, and I had finished grade 10. I had found a book about Nautilus exercise equipment and exercise principles, and I was quite taken by it. I read and read and read that book, and I was very intrigued, and inspired by the ideas in it about exercising and about getting incredible results, and about “Nautilus training principles.” These were the principles that bodybuilders like Tom Platz, Casey Viator, and Mike and Ray Mentzer used, by way of the book’s author, Arthur Jones who was a trainer and the developer of the Nautilus machines. I got the job because I knew a lot about Nautilus principles from reading that book, and I was very passionate about the entire topic of Nautilus equipment and training protocols as per Arthur Jones. One day I saw in the phone book that there was a gym with nautilus equipment in Prince Albert, and I immediately thought I had to go and see it and possibly get a membership at it! I went to see the gym and the person who was in charge at the time was so impressed with me and what I knew about Nautilus principles that he offered me a job, right then and there!
I lost interest in bagpipes a little in high school, after Mr. Gibb’s passing and also after being in the Saskatoon Pipe Band–and I became more interested in the fiddle- or violin- played in alternative styles to classical. I had several interests in high school and I wanted to be “the best” at everything I did. I wanted to be the best fiddle player, bagpipe player, and bodybuilder, and I also wanted to get the highest marks, and be an excellent hunter. This was how I was in high school. I had started to read self-help books, and something in them really resonated with me. Perhaps this was partially because of the anxieties that I had been experiencing. Let’s face it, I had OCD and anxiety and I had various OCD and anxious experiences up until grade 10 that involved a lot of anxiety. I still worried about my mind and my propensity to worry and this was partially, I think, because I did not consider myself to have OCD. I had never even heard of it. Self-help books gave me a lot of reassurance, and I craved that. I wanted to know that everything was going to be “okay.” I was preoccupied with the future at all times. Would I ever be able to have a girlfriend? Would I be able to go to university? What would I study? Would I be successful? (This was a big one) I had many questions, but few answers. I dealt with it all by studying and striving for 90% on all my subjects,... especially the Humanities. That, and I ate a lot and dieted a lot, and I exercised a lot too….
All of this caused me to be extremely busy at all hours of the day. I had bought a 4x4 Toyota Landcruiser and a high-powered rifle, and I had a ton of expensive clothes that I wore proudly to school every day. I wanted to be popular in school, I wanted to be known by the cool kids, I was getting good grades, girls were noticing me, and I seemed to be on the track to being “successful.” I was achieving! If I could achieve by doing what I was doing, I reasoned, if I did more, I could achieve more,..., and I desperately wanted more.
In the winter of 1992, spring of 1993, a service club came to my high school to hold a presentation on an exchange program to Japan that they were sponsoring. The club would award a six-week long exchange trip to Japan, to two students in grade 11 out of all the high schools in the city. The criteria for being chosen was to write an essay on why I wanted to go and visit Japan.
I thought about the six weeks in Japan…! The prospect was a little intimidating, but it also screamed opportunity, and, there’s one thing too, that you don’t yet know about me, which is that I absolutely love foreign languages! Becoming fluent in another language had been a long standing dream of mine and I immediately considered the prospect of speaking Japanese (and eating Japanese foods) in Japan, and I was drawn, strongly, toward the idea of applying for the exchange, so I decided to write the essay and apply.
When I was a little boy I used to enjoy pretending I was a Ninja or a martial arts master or a wizard, living somewhere deep in some mystical, far -away land. I used to make audio recordings of myself speaking like an old Asian “Master,'' and I used to really enjoy imagining things and playing make-believe samurai warrior or something. My imagination was and still is very vivid and it would keep me entertained for hours at a time and I used to love playing pretend games both by myself or with others. I was drawn, very strongly, toward the mystical elements of Asia,....
Interestingly, by this time in high school, my dad had sold his Chevy truck and bought a Toyota Landcruiser and I had also bought one, although mine was much older. My grandfather, George, also had a Toyota Landcruiser and I thought they were an exceptional vehicle. I was actually so interested in them I would talk about them with all my friends, and I would spend a lot of time fantasizing about my future where I would have a lot of money, a lot of nice material possessions, and, among many other things, a couple of mint-conditioned Landcruisers.
The 1980s had seen the country of Japan attain massive economic success, and there were stories in the mid 1980s of affluent Japanese travelers visiting all kinds of tourist destinations around the world, like Banff, Alberta and almost throwing away their cash because they had so much of it! I had heard such stories and I envisioned Japanese people as being sort of super-humans, “super” in developing, and inventing, and producing all kinds of goods. I had a hunch that something was, fundamentally, very different between Western and Japanese cultures and I wanted to learn what that difference was.
Furthermore, by the early 1990s, my dad’s parents and sisters had given up driving american manufactured automobiles in favour of Japanese cars and they really liked their new cars. Japan, it seemed, was doing something different. Their cars and vehicles seemed far better than their domestic counterparts, plus the Japanese were producing various electronic goods, also with great success .... I needed to go there and see it all for myself, and try to get to the root cause of the country’s incredible performance levels,....
I began to write the essay for my application. I would write, and then stop, and read it,.... Then I would change something, maybe, and continue on. As I wrote, ideas began to flow and I scribbled them down furiously. I posed questions. I articulated objectives. I wrote as eloquently and succinctly as I could. A while later I had my rough draft. I took a break, and thoughtfully sipped my tea, and then, I began to go over and revise my essay. A few hours later, I had nearly completed it. I read the essay out loud many times, to myself and to my mother. If something sounded better with a different choice of words, I switched it. The essay was revised until it was precise, eloquent, and powerful. There were no extra, unnecessary, or redundant ideas. It was efficient and it was poetic. Every comma, capital letter, and period was in its place. We filled out the application forms very carefully and I submitted my application. I had one of my favourite teachers write a letter of recommendation and I included that in my file. When I submitted the application, I felt a quiet confidence about my chances of being chosen. A few weeks later, I received a telephone call saying that I was, indeed, one of the two students chosen for the six week exchange trip to Japan! My mom and I, and my entire family, were jubilant! It was an amazingly happy time!
The trip to Japan came and went. It was amazing. In Japan, everything was different but in a great way and I loved it there. I had fun and it was a real eye opener for me. I realized that the world was far bigger and different than I had ever imagined, and I was also impressed with the level of wealth that many of the Japanese people I met had achieved. I decided I wanted to go back to Japan as soon as possible, and I wanted to set up a business, with Japanese people being the target customers. I liked the people in Japan and I loved the food too. I set my mind on getting back to Japan as quickly as humanly possible.
When I returned to Canada from Japan in 1993, I was in a blissful state. School started back up and so did my part-time Job. I was happy to get back into my routine. In October, I heard about another service club, the Rotary club, that it would be sending a delegate to my school to discuss a year-long Youth Exchange Program that they sponsored. My ears perked up and I thought right away, that perhaps this was my ticket back to Japan…. It seemed worth investigating, so I attended the information session.
I learned that the exchange program that was being offered was to several countries around the world. I inquired if Japan was one of them but they “didn’t know.” I listened to the presentation,... and it sounded very good. It was a chance to go to another country, not for only 6 weeks, but for an entire year! I liked the sounds of it. The recipient of the year-long trip would go as a student and be required to attend high school. If I could get another opportunity to go abroad, I would study the language very diligently,... I knew that. I decided to apply to the exchange. I kept my head down and I stayed busy, studying, working, and doing some hunting when I could. I applied for the year-long exchange, writing another essay, and I went to an interview as well. Again, I felt quite optimistic about my chances of being chosen,.... I felt that I had strong interview skills and I thought I had achieved an excellent rapport with my interviewers. Then, one day in December, just after Christmas, I received a telephone call from a Rotarian asking me how I would like to be the 1994-95 Youth exchange scholarship recipient! I had been chosen, again for another Youth Exchange! I was absolutely elated!
I chose three countries, as was the rule, and I was told, several times, not to expect to receive any of my choices as my actual destination country. I chose Japan, Germany, and Venezuela, in that order, because I wanted to learn Japanese, then German, then Spanish, in that order. In May I got a telephone call from the Rotary club,... They had great news, I was going to Japan! I could barely believe it! All of my dreams were coming true!
When I got chosen for the second exchange, and then when I learned that I was going to Japan, again,... I was astonished. I knew I was a good candidate,... but I was still somewhat surprised. I pondered it. How could I be this lucky? Maybe it was God’s will? I seriously considered it. I continued with my daily routine and looked forward to going to Japan. I sought out a Japanese teacher and I studied weekly with her. She helped me a lot and I learned a few very key concepts during that year, which was my grade 12 year in High school.
A couple things are apparent now, looking back on it all. I was feeling anxious, often when I had any assignment due,.... I would be anxious until I had completed the assignment. I was disturbed enough by this anxiety that I decided to go to church to ask for help from God. I went to church by myself and I knew something was not quite right in my mind. I wanted to feel peaceful and calm but I was having trouble with that. I thought to myself before I left for my trip to Japan, “What if I get anxious in Japan and I have no one to talk to and I just sit there and suffer and worry....” I told myself that everything would be fine, and that nothing bad would ever happen. I always told myself “You are just a worrier.” I tried to practice positive self-talk, I prayed sometimes, and I felt for the most part, good. I prepared to go to Japan. I had set huge expectations for myself and huge goals for my one year of study. My goals were to become fluent in Japanese speaking, reading, and writing (in one year). The goal was far too ambitious and it was actually really unreasonable, but I believed I could hit it.
I left for Japan on August 19th, 1994. I was in a very determined, hyper-focused kind of state. I arrived in Japan and I started studying almost immediately. My plan was to become fluent in Japanese, then, to apply to Law School and then become an international lawyer and earn a lot of money so that I could eventually build a fly- in fishing camp in Northern Saskatchewan to cater to primarily Japanese customers. I really believed in the plan. After all, I had successfully received two exchange trips to Japan, so, why not? I believed anything was possible.
I would wake up early in Japan, then pray, and then begin studying Japanese. For the first couple of weeks things went fine. My host brother took me out on the town, once, for a casual outing with some of his friends and I was okay with it, but I really just wanted to study. As long as I was studying I was happy. When I stopped studying I would start to worry about my progress and my goals. Things went ok for the first while with my first host family but my host mother got angry at me one day for staining her umbrella with teriyaki sauce from my lunch kit. She came up the stairs to my room and said to me, very angrily, “I am not your housekeeper!” in English. I felt terrible. This was normal for me, to feel really bad when faced with any kind of criticism,... but I kept going with my studies. I noticed she would wake up, make my lunch and then go back to bed without speaking to me. I got the feeling that she really didn’t want me there, but I kept on studying.
I moved host families in early November. My second host family was fantastic. They were warm and hospitable people and I was very relieved to be with them. I settled in immediately and continued my rigorous study schedule. My spoken Japanese was actually very good by the first week of November and I pressed on. I felt great, Christmas came and went and everything was very good. Then in the first week of January, disaster struck, and my first encounter with OCD, as an adult, happened, and, I fell off the edge of the world into an abyss, the likes of which I had never imagined could ever be possible,....